Unbearable pain

8 168       

I am not a slut
I shout today aloud
To speak my mind
Or to speak my heart
I was never allowed.

I was six,
When uncle made me sit on his lap,
I too held him tight
Not guessing his trap,
But my eyes wondered
When he placed my hand between his gap
I was naive, couldn't understand his deed,
At that age, I didn't even bleed.

Soon I started with school,
Came along play and joy,
But for the van driver
May be i was a little toy.
He touched me places,
And gave crooked smile
By that age I understood,
I have something in me,
That's pleasure for him,
I agree, i felt insecure, i felt fragile
But i couldn't say to anyone
I was so scared
To open before anyone, I never dared.

He taught us maths in school
Hummed cheap songs in class
When he took the rounds,
Always gave me a look,
As if he is astound.
I knew his mind, i caught his dirt
But still i was weak enough that I couldn't blurt.
I thought of reputation, I thought of my parents' name
But what I didn't know,
It was the beginning,
Beginning of the shitty prolonged game.

I went to the shopping arcade to fetch myself a bra,
Women at that time was not bold enough, it was a difficult and different era
He enquired about my size
I said it is small
He tried to fondle me
As if i am some fleshy, dumb doll
May be he was right,
I couldn't retaliate
I observed, felt disgusted
But couldn't agitate
It made me leave the shop
As soon as i could
And i made a promise to myself no male shopkeeper ever
During my entire womanhood.

I entered youth,
I was shy,
My looks were astonishing, I can't deny
Boys tried to woo me,
But failed to impress
But for how long, could i suppress
I too fell for a guy
Thought, he was nice
His manners, his behaviour
Never failed to surprise, i felt suffice.
But in reality, all he aimed was lust
I lost something very precious, only because of trust.
My virginity it was, that I considered pure and sacred
All went in a well, when I discovered that by now, i was nothing more to him, than a trash
I learnt my lesson, love is timid,
What matters is hatred.

I submitted myself to the institution called marriage
To fight with anyone, i had zilch courage
I quietly accepted what came my way
But my myths vanished,
With each passing day.
Marriage is the license to get raped without repudiation
All what matters is respect and intention.
I wasn't allowed to say no
Or to sleep with my back facing him
I was forced to believe that sex is a sin.

I am a mother now, but the child isn't love child
It entered my womb and hence this world
By making me defiled.
I only read about orgasm, but haven't felt it yet
Sterling touch, unconditional care, i just couldn't get.

At each step of life
I faced many monsters
None soothed, they were all unbearable blisters.
I couldn't complain
As most of the times they were my own
Brother, teacher, driver, uncle, tailor, lover, husband and so on.

Sometimes fear, sometimes society, sometimes tradition, sometimes reputation
To none I could refuse,
At every point, my lips were sealed
But i was constantly, emotionally, mentally, financially and sexually abused.


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