There are many ways to gain strength. But to my pleasance, it happens when I pick up my favorite pen to write. I believe that you cannot tell everything to everyone about what you feel, I mean not every random thing. Unless you're sure they're going to lend you an empathetic ear so that you don't have to feel sorry for yourself later, you can't. Therefore, for those chaos that are especially meant to be covered with a veil I decided to make an honest confession.
So can you tell your mind to stop thinking what it thinks or can you ask your heart to stop feeling how it feels. For things. For people. For everything maybe. I believe not. I wish it was that easy. I hope I could really control the activities from consuming my unstoppable thoughts. I'm afraid to allow everybody to peep into my unexplained thoughts.
I'm just afraid. Apparently, I'm a very hard person to be with, that at times I become unconscious if someone tries to uncover my scars. Events happen to me, I forget those and then I'm stuck in the mood of philophobia back in my mind. But there's another important aspect to it which nobody knows, I believe when the accidents were lesser in number I always could have a monopoly right over them. There was never a time I felt as if I couldn't overcome any unpleasant period of my life. Look at me now, I'm losing the sand day by day. My hands are becoming feeble. From my own wet eyes I watch it falling little each day. I literally have no explanation for the things I feel. I'm unsure what I want. Neither I can go about stopping myself to feel it while I try to stay alone nor I can do something to not let my soul mock me for everytime I see myself going through it. Sometimes, I feel nothing. And at the others, my idea of an ideal world begins to collapse. It breaks my heart to tell anybody that I'm just not that person who could ever make a successful attempt in hiding what I'm thinking and behave normal in its place. Eventually I keep hoping they don't let me be me.
The only reason why I cannot share my emotions with people is that I'm aware it isn't worth caring for. I'd unknowingly waste my energy and still wouldn't manage to help my bad. Maybe people don't realize how their initial actions and their way of looking at certain things might come out to be dangerous for me. Only if they cared to take a step in my shoes and just provide me an understanding similar to what I'm looking for, things would have been so different right now. Its just a bad phase maybe and I long to come out of it sooner or later. Even if I pick somebody to tell them, I'd be mostly hearing this to stop being, let it go, its ok you should be happy. They ask me what's wrong. I am just trying to be me. Maybe the one that never used to be in existence. I said I was an over sensitive soul who wishes to feel the feeling of being loved. But you can never tell what someone is going through. I think they did not know that I was letting it devour myself. Maybe they cannot feel what I do or maybe they don't try it because they don't want to understand. They don't know this feeling of wishing for being surrounded by positive vibes everyday. I don't know what it is. I am sorry I cannot tell them. I told I'm afraid. I wonder if people would start making fun of my naked feelings. You might think its spooky to feel this way but you should know that the level of emotions I have developed by now amounts to not even half of what I once used to feel. Just because you see me likely to be crying all the time doesn't mean I'm a jobless person. I'm not obligated to behave as per your needs. I know I have changed. Don't keep telling that constantly to me. I can't understand why when I consider someone important to me I just want that person to become my carbon copy. To act like me. Feel like me. Care like me. I don't know why I'm like that. After a series of continuous downturns I couldn't summarize those activities taking place in my life any better than to accept my seclusion with resignation.
So tell me do you protect the victim when the bullet shoots him or wait for all the blood he has to shed from his body and then go for rescue? By the time I got back in my senses I knew it was time to pick myself up. I knew it was the need of the hour to take this walk alone. I knew what damage I did to all those relations that were so close to me. I became so difficult and made it uneasy for people to understand me. It was my fault. And when I realized this I couldn't waste a second anymore. I had to run for miles.
Nevertheless, as I said its not that easy. In fact, its too difficult trust me. So its not easy. However, it was time to start doing something more than just breathing.
- Mahima Ahuja