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@dawriter

YOUR HATEFUL SURVIVOR

18 233       

My ex-abuser,
You were nightmare for me until I learned to accept reality and move on. A rebirth was what my old broken soul thrived to feel alive. Like a new born; I was learning to talk again, I was crawling back to life and smile, and I was acquiring art of normalcy. I stuttered. I felt like a kid with defect of speech. Tongues were captivated and never rolled like it was supposed to. Lips were dry refusing to impart tardily eager to make me feel depressed again. But I yearned to flourish into something beautifully flawed. A desire to embrace darkness yet to glow conquered my heart. A quest to color soul with rainbow captivated my heart. A thirst to blossom into honey dripping and sweet aroma flower possessed my body. Stream of thoughts flowed through my mind to cherish this life God bestowed me.

 


Memories evoked my senses. Every bruise you inscribed were not just on my flesh but also on my weak soul. A soul which craved for love was darkened with your smutty words. Every time you touched me I withered with pain and shame. I feared each and every object I spotted around us. I was a prisoner confined within your darkest actions. You were a sadist exploring joy by inflicting pain and fear in me. You were a pervert who desired domination against my body to fulfill wicked sick mind. But I wanted to stay. I was in a bubble of love that I had built in. One day the bubble has burst loudly. At some phase of this traumatic brutality my body stopped reacting. Maybe a realization dawned in my mind. Maybe my brain started processing again. I may not be a very good person like you taunted. But I realized I didn’t deserve this.

All I saw was red,
Covered in pool of blood,
Every step you took towards me
was a warning of the beatings,
Bloodshot eyes warned me about your anger,
I stayed in the corner,
Like a lost child,
Like a kid awaiting for punishment
But I was never informed about my mistake.

I feared every non-living thing;
I was afraid of your belt,
Then your half empty whiskey bottles,
And also those fire sparkling cigarettes,
Maybe those vase, knifes and heater too.

My fear was born the moment you turned into monster,
You sought happiness in my pale face,
Calling me names,
Drowning me in your darkness.

I hated my choice,
Regretted my love for you,
Disgust was what my Soul acquired,
I could have died in hatred you dumped.

Why was I so adamant?!
I should have known,
You would never change,
I should not have believed,
When you apologized.

 

 I didn’t want perfection. I wanted a normalcy which a young girl deserved to have, where I didn’t fear my own shadow. I wanted to remember bunch of flowers instead of blood dripping from my head when I saw a vase. I wanted to remember yummy foods instead of cuts on my flesh when I saw knife. I wanted to feel loved instead of disgust when someone touched me. I wanted to stop my tears, wipe my frown, and erase stiffness from my body. I wanted to be strong enough to live, smile, laugh, eat, and be fat again.

 


And now while I am writing this to you, I am not crying. I am not angry. There is no grudge and I do not see other men with distaste. I have realized they are not you. It was not too late to realize that there were thorns disguised as flowers. I have built my life again and found peace away from you. You are a mistake that I rectified.


Your hateful survivor

#stopdomesticviolence

 



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